i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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