dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
