he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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