I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
What changed your mind?
Being sober
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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