Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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