You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
