Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
wow bdsm is so cute
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
