just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
