The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
