I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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