Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
My vagina is officially offended.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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