And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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