i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's blow job season.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize