I just cut my nipple shaving
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We're too hungover to prance.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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