i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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