Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
