I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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