I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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