Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
