I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
