I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
