Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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