Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Randomize
