You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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