life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
