wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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