Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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