What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
