they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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