So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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