There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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