seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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