I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
a search helicopter?!
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
