Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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