What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
