Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
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