I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
