my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
