A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
