Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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