Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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