When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
