saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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