please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
