i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
