Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
just tell him i said nine months
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
