i barfeds in our rink
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
