Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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