Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
