I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
