guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
