He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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