??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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