sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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